A Good Idea At The Time MKIV

For many years I was employed in the security industry as a ‘doorman’ or bouncer. In that time among many lessons I learned that the world is full of dehydrated idiots, just add alcohol. The things otherwise sane, decent and sensible people will do once they get lubed up never ceases to amaze me. What is more amazing at times is how they get away with it as often as they do. Take this MENSA candidate for example…

A man left a Broome, Western Australia pub and decided it would be fun to sit on the back of ‘Fatso’. ‘Fatso’ is a 5m (16 feet 6inches) Estuarine or Saltwater crocodile. The same creatures that have been seen swimming hundreds of kilometres out to sea further north and even battling tiger sharks! And this doorknob figures he is going to sit on the back of a not too tiny one? Please, tell me he has had a vasectomy, surely he can’t be allowed to breed!

He escaped with a minor leg wound but that might be badly infected and he might even die from the wound. You see crocodiles have trouble flossing so there is a lot of rotting food matter between their teeth (of which they have a lot). He is in hospital, recovering from the wound but how do you recover from stupidity? Fortunately for him stupidity isn’t a criminal offense but he might get done for trespass.

I have been drunk a few times in my life when I was a teenage soldier, but I was never so drunk I would do anything this stupid. This mental midget is 35 years old! By the time I was in my twenties I had my enjoyment of alcohol well under control, but even when I get drunk I just laugh and fall asleep, I’m harmless. Nowadays I get a few under the belt once a year, sometime around my birthday (and usually under parental guidance) but still nothing that will make me feel wicked the next morning. I also drink a lot of water to rehydrate, a trick I learned while working in the liquor industry as a brand manager.

Moderation is the key, a lesson I was taught as a boy and one I have found to hold true. That’s not to say I have never done anything wild, spirited or risky. I have. Just not stupid. Stupid is as stupid does, right Forrest? This bloke in Broome was stupid! If the animal had killed him there might have been consequences including the destruction of the crocodile, increased insurance premiums for the crocodile park, traumatic memories for whoever found the remains and so on.

There was a media led public outcry when Steve Irwin carried his baby son while doing a show with a large croc a few years ago. While perhaps not the safest or the smartest thing to do given the cotton wool culture we seem to live in today, if anyone knew what they were doing around crocs it was Irwin. I think, despite his onscreen persona as something of a larrikin, Steve would look at this bloke, shake his head and say “Crikey he’s stupid!” And he’d be right.

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